loss

The loss of a child during adoption.  How does one really deal with this?  It is hard to explain.  When we do things we do them to the fullest.  We grow attached to a child.  Some say, the child is not yours, so how can you "love" that child? How can you say they are yours?  In adoption, when you see a picture you just know, that child is yours.  You are willing to go do anything, extra hours of adoption education, signing extra forms, and even taking that extra step to make sure you are prepared to bring that child into your home.  When we committed to bringing Mika home, we did extensive research into FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome). We did exactly what any parent would do if they had a child with a special need (adoption or biological). We found support groups and got involved in what we could to make sure we were prepared to bring her home. The goal, to make sure that she would thrive in our home. When Russia closed, we did feel a great deal of pain.  We lost our daughter. Even though we changed countries, we will always remember our daughter who is left behind.

Once we changed, we were blessed to find beautiful little girl.  We did not know much about dwarfism when we first committed but we learned fast.  As before, we involved ourselves in the LP community and we did our homework. We know we can be an advocate for her, that is one of those qualities that makes a good parent. Since March we worked on locating a second little girl that we could bring home.  We had approval for two little girls under the age of seven years old.  We had looked at many files but nothing really felt right.  All along, there was one little girl that kept coming up.  She was close in age to Johanna which is why I hesitated.  She was on hold briefly with us, but we were not 100% sure so we passed because if a family did come forward, she could be adopted. Finally after many month, she still waited, so I finally felt at peace that this was our daughter and that we could make it work.  This little girl is deaf, which for me was not that big of a deal since I know Sign Language.  We said something in front of our oldest once and she took it upon herself to start learning Sign Language, why? So she could talk to her sister.  It was amazing.  She is working so hard to learn Chinese so she can speak to Johanna, and she was learning Sign Language so she could teach her younger sister.  I was impressed with her motivation.  While she has her moments of 7 year old (almost 8) she has a good heart and she wants to be a good big sister.  It is in these moments I am proud of her.

But here we are again, loss.  We had so hoped to bring home this little girl.  We did extra paperwork, and added on 9.5 hours of adoption education (on top of the 80 we already had because that was the requirement of Russia).  We were willing to jump through whatever hoop our agency tossed at us.  We even contacted local resources, and I even contacted professors at Gallaudet and Liberty University (were I learned Sign Language). In the past, going in 110% meant my heart was in it.  When asked to jump...it was not why but how high.  As of this morning, our agency changed their minds.  They had approved us for two, we did what we had to for two, we did all the extra for two.  After all those hoops, we are no longer 'qualified' to bring home a second child.  When we did all the paperwork, we made it very clear we wanted to bring home two little girls and never once was it an issue. But our agency in the last two weeks changed their policy and we are the guinea pigs in this new process.  Even though we where approved for two long before this new process, they are now changing their minds. The only reason given to us, Johanna is 6...yes, that is it.

So, we have now lost two little girls, one by a country and one by an agency.  I am really tired of feeling this lose.  Adoption is not easy.  It is filled with pain and sorrow.  Yes, there will be those joyous moment, right now is not one of those times. I am sure there is a "plan" in all this.

I would like to thank those who prayed and supported us on the adoption of two little girls.  Thank you for the encouraging words, they are more then just words during moments like this.